Two mails and my replies ... probably this will explain why the divorce rate is increasing

---mon  wrote:

Hi BP
   I am not sure why you joined this group. I can't see that you have been effected by a cheating partner, and I don't read you as if you consider yourself cheating on your partner?
 
  Now, what it amazes me it is the fact the you have 2 dozen email accounts. How do you remember them all? Where do you find the time? Do you need that much electronic stimulation? Never mind, I am just curious, not judging.
  
   The issue with 'intruding' a PC to find out what's going on, I believe, it is made necessary by the party who denies access to the truth by conventional way, such as, disclosure during conversations, true answers to valid questions. So, when suspicious, you either confirm, or you live a lie. Some people very likely can live a lie, and I know some couples like that.
  
   Even if one hides, and the other one spies, and you see both as bad, the motifs are different, as I see it. Cheating has a self serving, deceiving motif. Spying has a remedial motif. Once we know the truth, we can try to rescue the sort of relationship we thought and want to have, or end it and move on as free spirits again.
  
   I think there's an enormous danger in spying though. We don't just break into a computer, we break into a mind, and the last one is the most frightening experience, especially if the 'spy' gets stuck in the dynamics of 'hide and seek'. One not only see transcripts of whatever, one can see the demons who write those words and intentions. Personally, I think it is up to the 'spy' to set the timeframe on when to let go and try differently. The cheater will fight in whichever way s/he finds to keep the games. It takes a lot of individual and joint courage as a couple to face the demons together and do what it takes to put them to rest.
  
   Omitting is lying, unless you omit telling the numbers of time you had to go to the toilet, which in fact, unless you are sick, it is irrelevant to your spouse and the relationship. When you say that you haven't yet told your spouse because you think she'll be better off not knowing, I do believe that what you really mean it is = if she doesn't know, You will be better off, as in = left alone to pursue your sites.  That's my view. Maybe you will tell your spouse about your internet activities, maybe you won't. It's your life. The pity in all this, electronic or real life, there's another life involved as well.
  
and,,, I am still scratching my head... 24 email accounts!!!
  
Take care
Mon

reply

Hello Mon

Ok i'll tell u another thing why i joined this group ... Big surprise ... Like i said in the other mail im from India but i fell in love with this woman from usa ... through the net :)  .. unless being cheated upon and one plans to cheat it doesn't mean i should not be interested in supporting ppl whom i feels my heart to? .. does it? ... i think i answered your question ... besides one can't alienate a group simply bcz they choose to be a specific group .. ppl needs all kind of support from everyone and every quarter i presume ...

Ok i exageratted a bit .. i really didn't hold 24 ids ... only 17 :) ... i remember them all bcz i use them all ... well to be honest i use most of them .. to be exact only 10 ... rest are for future usage .. i tend to categorise my mail .. and i eat sleep and drink mail .. thats why i said i don care a hell abt mails or groups or online accounts .. only real is what counts .. virtual is juz that juz virtual ... and you are right i needs that much electronic stimulation caz i studies electrocis and marvel at their beauty to make this world both heaven and hell ... hope you judged well

you are right abt the two categories u made ... some people confirm and some others choose to live a lie ... but spying is not any more morally approvable to me than peeping into some others shower ... both are a shame ... unless u need hard evidence for legal purposes in my point there is no justification for it if there is a more direct way of solving the problem at hand ... and i accept one needs to conform than having doubts

ur right again abt the motives .. but what im talking was in case the other person being innocent(hypothetically) and from his/her point of view that is

**what you really mean it is = if she doesn't know, You will be better off, as in = left alone to pursue your sites.** Now don say this is not sarcasm ... plz be more understanding ... im nothing against anyone .. im really sorry if i caused any ill feelings. i really hope i don have to explain that i didn't actually mean it that way ... i said **if she doesn't kno, she will be better off, = i'll be better off = left alone to pursue my own sites ... sure i like to pursue my own sites and interests ... but if i came to kno that im hurting my spouse by any of my actions im going to stop it ... and i did tell her ...

its everyones life ... if u got a sucker why do u want to let him loose? ... tie him/her down ... you will be makingatleast others life easier ... why do ppl always have to give up without a fight? .... i meant why is it always like one,two divorce ... one,two divorce ... hope and work against odds ... it will be a losing fight for everyone if everyone tries to go around looking for greener pastures ... u will be only speading anarchy ... "divorced but looking" shouldn't be any more appealing than "married but looking" ... both are same ... if someone says they are divorced and freshly out of marriage defenitely there must be something wrong with either one of the parties involved ... the chances are 50-50 ... will you expect someone to go looking around if they are fully satisfied with their marriage? ... there must be something wrong ... married but looking status means u are incompetent or he/she mayb out of their mind ... u can accept if u want to this is just my opinion ... if somone was out looking both parties are equally responsible for the situation ... there is no such thing as perfect man or woman ... ideal couples are not those who don have any problems, they don fight over their problems or try to avoid it ... they work out solutions and over come it ...

what happened to good old morals and values when marriages are made to last for a life time ... stop being silly crying im being cheated ... pick yourself ur ... forget it let life move on ... there is no harm done unless its for real .. its virtual ... didn't anyone here had any dreams abt some other person other than your spouse? .... i bet u did atleast once in a life time ... did u made a fuss over what u did when u were asleep ... online is virtual .. real life is different .. if the other party was repentant forgive, forget ... to err is human to forgive is divine :)

i can list out why i use those mail ids if u really wants to kno ... but i guess its really a pvt matter .. lets juz sat that mayb i want to categorise my mails ;)

tc byee
bp

On 06/03/06, dmac wrote:

I agree DR and bp. BP says he's in love with a woman in the US, that he lives sleeps eats and breathes email. That is the essence of emtional cheating, and cyber addiction. BP your marriage is suffering because you are not fully in it. It's not really a marriage unless you are both devoted to each other. So don't lecture people about divorce when you're not living up to your marriage vows.

reply

Hello dmac
I'm really sorry if i did or said something wrong. i dono if my opinion are welcome here anymore. i never said im married, did i? ... i thought i didn't ... well im not married ... and yes im in love with a woman in the us ... and i did say i emails a lot thats why u find me emailing to this group also ... subscribes to a lot of groups and moderator of some of them too ... and no i didnt have cyber addiction .. atleast i dont think so .. apart from emailing and chating with the only person i loves i can keep away from anything that is cyber ... i used to chat and browse a lot of BS sites and chat rooms ... it didnt mean im addicted caz nowadays i can swear im not going to any chat rooms and waste my time in meaningless chat .. again i could say that apart from the daily mails to her i hardly writes any personal mails ... mostly i mails to groups and discussions like this ... if u are saying mailing to this group(and a lot more similar groups) as emotional cheating and cyber addiction i can't do anything, can i? ... i hadn't taken any marriage vows and still i said im going to stop anything if i finds out that she don't like it and im true to my word .. caz u may notice i had changed my mail id ... discarded the old one ... ofcourse after telling her the whole story and the password too ... if u or anyone had seen my mail as lecturing ... i had juz written my opinion and said that too ... if u can't appreciate my thoughts i can't help ...

and once more im making it as clear as i can make it, i had not cheated any one and i don plan to cheat either ... im not married .. but im attracted to someone from us ... and im honest to her and as devoted as anyone can ever be ... atleast i think so

i thought i had a right to lecture as much as anyone has their right to discard my lecture ... sorry if u thought it a lecturing of a cheater who wanted to prove himself right .. thats some mere thoughts of a normal person thats me ... u can discard it if u want ... i still thinks like if one demands something from a cheater and the cheater decides to still cheat there must be something wrong .. unless the cheater had some problem with addiction or some childhood trauma or something ... the real problem must be he too must be expecting somethings from his/her spouse and he/she is not getting what he expects ... and he is trying to get over it by searching online for what he was lacking in real life ... remember i made a clause if he/she is perfectly normal that is .... once again these are juz my thoughts and no one can change convince me otherwise ... u can try.

tc byee
bp

love
bp